The Kagura vs Tohru Debate
by osaka-chan4
Summary: When an argument between Kagura and Tohru goes too far, they have to settle it with a game that could prove to be dangerous. And poor Kyo is far from pleased.


**The Kagura vs. Tohru Debate: Who Gets Kyo?**

**Summary: **When an argument between Tohru and Kagura about Kyo goes too far, they have to settle it somehow...by playing a (possibly) dangerous game in order to win the cat's heart...and poor Kyo is far from pleased.

**Warnings: **Lots of OOC-ness, character bashing, crazy randomness, a cuss word or two, and Akito with a cheese stick fetish.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Fruits Basket or any of its characters that I am mentioning in this story. Only the uber-random plot belongs to me.

**Important Notice: **Akito is female (oops...spoiler!) in this one-shot.

- - - - -

It was just another lovely summer day at the Sohma house with the birds chirping and the bees buzzing and all the other stuff that occurs on a day such as this one. However, there was one thing that made this afternoon unpleasant: the fact that Tohru and Kagura were sitting on opposite sides of a table, both staring intensely and competitively at each other and not paying attention to anything else around them. The tension between the two was so great it felt as if all the other people in the house , which included Shigure, Yuki, Akito, Ayame, and Hatori, could reach out and grab it. Kyo was tied to a chair not too far away from the two glowering females at the end of the table, bound and gagged with a dirty gym sock. Anger marks popped out all over his head, his bangs covered his crimson eyes (we all know this means he's super pissed) and a storm cloud hung over his head, complete with falling rain.

Yuki, Shigure, Ayame, Hatori, and Akito were standing across the room, their attention focused on the two girls that were staring at each other like they were ready to rip each other's arms off. Actually...they weren't paying attention at all. Akito was chewing on a cheese stick with an evil look on her face while Hatori bounced off the walls because he accidentally overdosed on...chocolate pudding. Yuki was capturing the seahorse's crazy antics on video camera (he must've eaten something weird, because we all know that this is something he would probably not do) while Ayame jumped into Shigure's arms and cried, "Don't let him eat me!" repetetively. But all that doesn't really matter right now. The main purpose of this fic is to answer the question, "Who will win Kyo's heart (by force)? Tohru or Kagura?"

We should all have a good idea of who will really go out with Kyo later on in the manga, but this is no time for telling spoilers. Kagura and Tohru, who had hit her head on something - again - and _really _screwed up her brain, had argued relentlessly over who was going to go out with Kyo, and the argument had eventually developed into one of those "Who Wants to be a Millionare" games. Only in this case, the game was "Who Wants to Go Out With the Number-One Fruits Basket Dude."

Since Hatori had finally gotten over his three-minute chocolate pudding addiction, Shigure put down...actually gloriously dropped...Ayame so that he could begin the game. Yuki clicked the button on his video camera again and began recording, trying his best not to let Akito's scary expression bother him that much. Ayame crawled over next to Hatori while rubbing his head as the spotlights turned on...and the debate began.

Shigure cleared his throat and started, "Hello, ladies and gentlemen! This is Shigure Sohma, your beloved dog from the Chinese Zodiac!" Ayame's loud whistling could be heard in the background, followed by sweatdrops from all in the room except Shigure and Akito (she was too preoccupied with her cheese stick to care). Shigure winked and continued, "Today we will be seeing which one of these two (lovely) girls..." He pointed to Kagura, who smiled and waved like she was on TV and then to Tohru, who did the same thing. "...Kagura Sohma or Tohru Honda, will forcefully win the wonderful heart of...Kyo Sohma!" The spotlights shone on Kyo, who paid no attention to the rounds of applause from the other Sohma members in the room as he screamed in a muffled voice, "I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS, YOU (expletive) DOG!!"

Everybody ignored the orange-haired boy and turned to look at Shigure. He cleared his throat again and said, "Whoever answers the most questions right about Kyo will get to go out with him! We will play until one of the two answers five questions correct. That girl will be the lucky winner!" Clapping could be heard in the background from all the other Sohmas except for Kyo and Akito.

"Now...let's begin." He raised a card up and read it. "Question One: What color is Kyo's hair?"

Kagura and Tohru both dove for the buzzer, but Tohru made it first. "Orange!" she shouted.

"Ding ding ding! That's correct!" shouted Shigure. "One point for Tohru Honda!" Tohru smirked at Kagura, who was fuming as Yuki, Ayame, and Hatori clapped (Hatori clapped? ...Is everyone on crack or something?). Before you ask, _yes,_ Akito was still eating the heck out of that cheese stick.

"Next question," Shigure began. "What is Kyo's age?"

Kagura made it to the buzzer first, seeing as Tohru was still thinking. "Seventeen!" she shouted.

A bell sounded and Shigure praised, "Correct! Kagura and Tohru are tied with one point each!" Kagura gave Tohru the 'Kiss Mah Arse" sign, which Tohru glared at.

This game was quite amusing for the other Sohmas, excluding Kyo, who was trying to untie himself. Ayame and Hatori were sitting on the couch eating popcorn while Yuki, who was still filming, sipped on a soda. We already know what Akito was doing. Anyways, after it was declared that Kagura and Tohru were tied with one point, the game went into...drastic measures (insert evilish organ background music here).

"Question Three: What is Kyo's least favorite food?"

"LEEKS!"

"Correct! Another point for Tohru!"

"Question Four: How do you spell "KYO?"

"K-Y-O!"

"That's correct! One more point for Kagura!"

Later on, when both Kagura and Tohru were tied with four points, Shigure said in a monotone voice, "Alright, this final question will determine who will get to go out with Kyo." Yuki zoomed in with the video camera, Ayame leaned forward with wide eyes, and Hatori started fanning himself with Shigure's fan (oh, the horror!). Akito was only half-finished with her cheese stick and cared about the moment as much as...she didn't care at all. Anyway, Kyo stopped struggling long enough to hear what Shigure's final question was. The Sohmas focused their attention on Kagura and Tohru as Shigure asked the last question:

"Question Nine: Does Kyo like Yuki in any way?"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"NO is correct! Tohru Honda, you are the lucky winner!"

_Stupid cat, _Yuki thought to himself grudgingly, but he, Ayame, and Hatori stood up and clapped along with Shigure as Kyo breathed a sigh of relief. It was obvious that he would rather be with Tohru than Kagura anyway. Tohru stood up, looking extremely happy and pleased with herself, but Kagura, the loser, was _far _from pleased.

She slammed her coffee down on the table. "That can't be right!" she yelled, her grasp on the plastic cup tightening. "I saw Kyo and Yuki laughing with each other just yesterday!"

Sweatdrops formed on Yuki's and Kyo's heads as Tohru stood up and objected. "They weren't laughing with each other! They were laughing at Ayame because Shigure picked him up and threw him into a pond! You're just dumb!"

Ayame could be seen glaring at Shigure as he coughed loudly. Shigure rolled his eyes and said, "Get over it." Yuki and Hatori simply ignored them, failing to notice Akito's attention was now focused on Tohru's and Kagura's argument.

Kagura, at a loss of words, pointed at Tohru and stammered, "W-w-well, it takes one to know one, you...boyfriend stealer!" Tohru stepped backwards in shock as Shigure, Ayame, Hatori, and Yuki gasped loudly. Kyo's eyes simply widened. The outcome of this argument would not be very pleasing...

Tohru recovered from her momentary shock and said, "Well, get over it! He's mine!"

She watched as Kagura moved to Kyo's right arm and shouted, "No, he's mine!"

Tohru pulled his other arm and retorted, "Mine!" until the two girls were playing tug-o-war with Kyo's arms, Kyo himself yelling, "BOTH OF YOU, _SHUT UP_!!"

But Kagura and Tohru failed to heed his "advice" as they both shouted, "Mine!" again and again in a way that was similar to the seagulls from Finding Nemo.

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

Yuki rolled his eyes and kept videotaping while Shigure, Ayame, and Hatori were looking from one girl to the other each time they said "MINE!" Poor Kyo's arms were still being tugged on, which instigated his fiery temper even more. Kagura and Tohru soon began to throw regretful insults at each other.

"Tohru, you're so stupid you could trip over a cordless phone!"

Ayame muttered, "Ouch." Yuki cringed and Shigure raised his eyebrows.

"Well, you're so fat, you fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!"

Kyo burst out laughing at this, but immediately shut up when Kagura yelled, "SHUT UP, KYO!"

"Well, uh...you're so ugly that people hang your picture in their cars so that they don't get stolen!"

"You're one to talk! You're so ugly that your dentist treats you by mail order!"

The insults came again and again, mostly making the other Sohmas explode with laughter. Yuki was laughing so hard that he fell on Ayame who fell on Hatori who fell on Shigure who fell on Akito who hit everybody with her cheese stick in anger. They laughed and laughed until the "Mine" thing started again, making them all groan with annoyance.

That is, until Akito started fuming. How dare Tohru and Kagura try to steal her Cat of the Zodiac (well...not exactly, but you know) from her?! This made her drop her unfinished cheese stick and growl, "...Mine!"

Hatori's eyes began to widen dramatically when he noticed Ayame backing up against the wall with a frightened expression on his face. Shigure sighed and began, "Oh boy, hear it comes." Yuki wondered vaguely if he should shut the camera off due to violent reasons. But he decided against it and watched as Akito ran to where Kagura and Tohru were arguing at top speed.

"HE'S MINE, YOU FOOLS!!" she shouted as she began hitting them with her (backup) cheese stick.

Ayame stood up on the table and yelled loudly, "B(...)H FIGHT!" as he pumped his fist in the air, earning strange stares from Yuki and Hatori. When he said this, a large cloud of dust was seen as Akito, Tohru, and Kagura all started beating the crap out of each other. Fortunately, Kyo had managed to untie and de-gag himself and ran up to his room to hide in case the police came. Hatori and Yuki put their heads in their hands from embarrassment, seeing as the camera was still on (and they were too frozen in shock to turn it off), and Ayame and Shigure laughed like crazy...that is, until the giant fighting cloud came their way.

Several days later, Akito, Tohru, and Kagura returned from the hospital with minor injuries to the head and appendages (Tohru was back to her normal self again and didn't remember a single thing), Yuki published the video on the Web and earned a reward for it, Hatori stayed locked up in his house all day, afraid to go out and be known by the townsfolk as "another one of the weird Sohma people" by the ones who saw the video, Kyo pretty much did the same, Shigure had gotten thrown out the window when he was mauled by the big fighting cloud and was still sitting there, and Ayame continuously watched the video on the Internet even while he was (slacking off) at work.

So, as you can see, a simple game can go wrong in so many ways.

**(Author's Note: **Um...there's really no reason why I wrote this other than the fact that I was bored. After reading it over, I felt kinda freaked out by Tohru and Kagura (and Akito), but I also feel proud of myself for writing such a random one-shot. Well...let me know what you think by reviewing...or else Akito will hit you with her cheese stick of doom! Beware! Also...expect more crazy one-shots in the future. They're inavoidable. Mwee hee hee!)


End file.
